Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
it’s the silliest best thing
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*