Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
You Might Also Like
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.