At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
forgive me baja for i have blast
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.