Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Just parrot things
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really