The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.