One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good