When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.