How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.