*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.