I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
that wasn’t the question
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.