I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON