“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
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My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
me when i see my girls butt
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids