SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
i hope my email finds you on fire
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper