If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Good boy 😂😂
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe