I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
🤣🤣🤣
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Living the best life.. 😊
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.