bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow