I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.