I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*jingles half the way*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!