Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I miss this era type of pranks😭
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.