I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I finally found a reason to live again.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?