Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
A dad and his duck
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”