Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
This is true.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Please do it!
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there