If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know