When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Perfect
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”