I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
You Might Also Like
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework