The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.