My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.