HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Cashiers are always checking me out
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?