Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here