The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
ok this is my dumbest yet
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
☺️
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle