writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.