yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me trying to look natural in photos
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.