The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.