my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
good for her
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.