They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
He-man has a Masters degree
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.