sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
They must have gotten it to go.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.