Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”