Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed