The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
This makes total sense…
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”