The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour