‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08