My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky