[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.