How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Can. I. Help. You.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp