Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Wednesday
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.