Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on