The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Catercrombie & Fish
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Many hands make light work
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
And that about sums it up.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.