4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
this has to be peak English
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
the three branches of government
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.