THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.