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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
twitter users today:
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran